In relationships, gaslighting can be used as a tactic to gain and maintain power and control over the victim. It can take many forms, and abusers often use specific phrases and language to manipulate their victims.
This article will identify 27 common phrases used by abusers to gaslight their victims in relationships.
By recognizing these phrases and understanding their underlying intent, victims of gaslighting can take steps to regain their sense of reality and regain control of their lives.
What is gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which an abuser manipulates the victim into doubting their sanity. The abuser does this by constantly denying, twisting, or manipulating the facts, and by making the victim question their memory, perception, and reality.
The goal of gaslighting is to make the victim doubt themselves and their abilities so that the abuser can maintain power and control over the victim.
27 Commonly used gaslighting phrases in relationships
In this section, we will explore 27 commonly used gaslighting phrases in relationships. These phrases are often used to make the victim doubt themselves, their memories, and their perception of reality.
By recognizing these phrases, individuals can gain a better understanding of the dynamics of gaslighting and how to protect themselves from this kind of abuse.
1) You’re just being paranoid. There’s no way that actually happened.
The abuser is using this phrase to call into question the victim’s perception of events, and is implying that the victim’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences are not valid and that they are imagining or exaggerating things.
This can make the victim feel confused and insecure, and doubt themselves and their memory of events.
2) You’re making a mountain out of a molehill. Stop overreacting.
The phrase implies that whatever the victim is upset about or concerned about is insignificant and not worth paying attention to and that the victim is overreacting.
It’s an attempt to make the victim doubt their own thoughts and feelings, making it difficult for the victim to communicate their needs or assert themselves in the relationship.
3) I never said that. You must be imagining things.
This phrase is an attempt to make the victim doubt their memory and reality and to make them question their own sanity. It can make the victim feel like they are going crazy, and that their perception of reality is not trustworthy.
4) You’re being too emotional. Can’t you just be rational?
The abuser is trying to make the victim feel as if their emotions are not valid, and that they should not be trusted. This is an attempt to control the victim’s emotional state, and to make the victim feel as if they are unable to express themselves.
The abuser is also trying to make the victim think that the abuser is rational and that the victim’s emotions are irrational. It implies that the victim’s feelings are illogical and that the victim should think more before expressing them. This phrase also attempts to make the victim feel ashamed for having and expressing their emotions.
5) You’re always exaggerating. Nothing ever happens how you describe it.
By implying that the victim is exaggerating, the abuser is suggesting that the victim is not accurately describing what has happened, which can make the victim question their memory and reality.
6) You’re just trying to create a problem where there isn’t one.
This phrase implies that the victim is being overly critical or negative and that there is no actual problem. It’s an attempt to make the victim doubt their own perceptions and experiences and to make them feel like they are the ones creating issues in the relationship.
7) I was just kidding. You’re too serious and can’t take a joke.
This phrase minimizes the victim’s feelings and implies that they are overreacting and that they should not be taken seriously. This can make the victim question their reactions and emotions and can make them feel like they are not entitled to their feelings.
8) You are constantly misinterpreting my words. I never meant it like that.
The abuser is trying to make the victim doubt their own perception of the abuser’s words and actions and to make the victim feel that they are responsible for any misunderstandings. This can make the victim feel like they are at fault for any issues in the relationship, and can make it harder for the victim to assert themselves or ask for help.
9) You’re being delusional. That never happened.
This phrase can make the victim feel like they are going crazy and it erodes trust in the relationship. It makes it difficult for the victim to assert themselves or ask for help since their perception of reality is being denied.
It also allows the abuser to deny any wrongdoing, and to blame the victim for any issues that arise in the relationship. The abuser is essentially shifting the blame and responsibility onto the victim, which makes it harder for the victim to identify the abuse and seek help.
10) You’re always too negative. Why can’t you see the good in things?
This phrase implies that the victim has a negative attitude or outlook on life and that they should change their way of thinking. It can make the victim feel ashamed for expressing any negativity or for disagreeing with the abuser. It’s also an attempt to make the victim feel guilty for having negative thoughts or emotions which is normal in life.
11) You’re so anxious. You’re blowing everything out of proportion.
The abuser is trying to control the victim’s emotional state by suggesting that the victim’s anxiety is not warranted and that it’s causing them to see things as worse than they are.
This phrase also implies that the victim’s anxiety is a personal weakness and that it can be controlled, which is not always the case. Anxiety is a natural and normal emotion that affects many people, it’s not always something that can be easily controlled or avoided.
12) You’re just trying to confuse me, and I don’t understand why you’re saying this.
The abuser is implying that the victim is trying to confuse them, which can make the victim doubt their motivations, and can make the victim feel that their words and actions are not to be trusted.
This phrase can also make the victim feel like they are at fault for any confusion or misunderstandings that occur in the relationship. It allows the abuser to avoid accountability for their actions and can make it more difficult for the victim to identify the abuse and seek help.
13) You’re playing the victim. You should be able to handle this.
This phrase can make the victim feel ashamed for expressing their feelings and for seeking help, It also implies that the victim is weak for not being able to handle the situation, which can be devastating for their self-esteem and self-worth.
14) You’re being too jealous. There’s nothing to be worried about.
This is a gaslighting phrase because it invalidates the victim’s feelings and implies that their jealousy is unwarranted. The abuser is trying to control the victim’s emotional state by suggesting that their jealousy is not justified and that there is no reason to be concerned.
15) You are not remembering correctly. It happened in a very different way from what you said.
The abuser is denying the victim’s account of what has happened, and implying that the victim’s memory is inaccurate. This can make the victim doubt their own recollection of events and question the validity of their memory.
This phrase is an attempt to make the victim feel that they are not trustworthy, or that they are imagining things, and it can make it difficult for the victim to assert themselves or ask for help.
16) You’re too insecure that makes you see things that aren’t there.
This a gaslighting phrase because it invalidates the victim’s feelings and implies that their insecurity is causing them to misinterpret events or situations.
It also implies that the victim’s insecurity is a personal weakness and that they should be able to control their insecurities, which may not be the case. This lowers the victim’s self-esteem and makes them easier to be manipulated.
17) You’re twisting my words and putting words in my mouth.
The abuser is suggesting that the victim is deliberately misinterpreting or distorting the abuser’s words and actions, which can make the victim doubt their understanding and perception of the situation.
This phrase can be used to avoid accountability for the abuser’s words or actions, by implying that the victim is at fault for misunderstanding or twisting their words. It also can make the victim feel as if they are not able to trust their perception of reality, which can be damaging to the victim’s self-esteem.
18) You’re too clingy. It’s smothering me.
This is a gaslighting phrase because it invalidates the victim’s feelings and implies that the victim’s need for intimacy is unwarranted and excessive. The abuser is trying to control the victim’s emotional state by suggesting that the victim’s need for closeness is problematic and not normal.
19) You’re not capable of handling the truth.
This gaslighting phrase invalidates the victim’s ability to understand and process difficult or uncomfortable information. The abuser is implying that the victim is not mentally or emotionally strong enough to handle the truth, which can make the victim doubt their intelligence or capability.
20) You’re so unreliable. You make me can’t trust you.
The abuser is implying that the victim is not dependable or that they can’t be trusted, which can make the victim doubt their reliability and ability to follow through with their commitments.
It can also make the victim feel guilty for not being dependable, which can be damaging to their self-esteem and self-worth.
The abuser usually uses this phrase to blame the victim for any issues that arise in the relationship, so they can escape from being accountable for the same issue.
21) You’re always making assumptions like you know everything.
This gaslighting phrase invalidates the victim’s thoughts and opinions and implies that they are not considering the facts or evidence. The abuser is suggesting that the victim is jumping to conclusions without considering all the information and implies that the victim’s understanding of the situation is not accurate.
22) You’re not being fair. You only think of yourself all the time.
With this phrase, the abuser is suggesting that the victim is being selfish and that they are not considering the needs or feelings of others, which can make the victim doubt their perspective on the situation.
It also implies that the victim’s point of view is not valid or important because it is not objective and it’s coming from a very selfish perspective.
23) You can’t understand my perspective. You’re too close-minded.
This is another common gaslighting phrase because it invalidates the victim’s ability to understand and consider the abuser’s point of view, and implies that the victim is not open to new ideas or ways of thinking. The abuser is suggesting that the victim is not capable of understanding their perspective, which can make the victim doubt their ability to understand and empathize.
24) You do not see things objectively because you’re too emotional.
The abuser is suggesting that the victim is not capable of seeing things objectively because they are too emotional and that their emotional state is causing them to misinterpret events or situations.
It implies that the victim should be able to control their emotions and that their emotional state is a personal weakness.
25) You’re not being reasonable. Nothing is ever enough for you.
This is another gaslighting phrase because it invalidates the victim’s perspective, and implies that their desires, wants or needs are unrealistic or unreasonable.
The abuser is suggesting that the victim is not capable of being reasonable and that they are never satisfied, which can make the victim doubt their perspective on the situation.
26) You’re being too sensitive and always take things too personally.
When someone says “You’re being too sensitive and always take things too personally,” it can be a form of gaslighting. The person making this statement is implying that the other person’s emotional reactions are not warranted or valid and that they should be able to control their emotions. This can make the person feel like their emotions are not valid and that they are overreacting, which can make them doubt themselves and their emotional responses.
This statement can also be used as a way for the person making the statement to avoid accountability for their actions or words, by suggesting that the other person’s emotional reactions are the problem.
27) You’re not being logical. What you said doesn’t make any sense.
When someone says “You’re not being logical. What you said doesn’t make any sense,” it can be a form of gaslighting. This statement is an attempt to invalidate the other person’s ideas or thoughts and make them doubt their ability to reason and think critically. It implies that the other person’s ideas or thoughts are illogical, irrational or don’t make sense.
It can also be used to dismiss or trivialize the other person’s perspectives or opinions and make them feel as if their ideas are not worth considering. It can make the person question their ability to understand and process information.
What are examples of gaslighting in a relationship?
This section will provide examples of gaslighting in relationships, to help you recognize and understand this form of emotional abuse. Through understanding these examples, you can learn to protect yourself from gaslighting and take steps to regain control of your reality.
1) Denying events or statements:
The abuser may deny that something was said or done, despite the victim’s clear recollection of the event. This can make the victim doubt their own memory, and question their recollection of events. For example, if the abuser said something hurtful or did something wrong, they may deny it ever happened despite the victim having clear recollection.
2) Twisting the facts:
The abuser may take something that the victim said or did and twist it to make the victim feel guilty or ashamed. This can make the victim question their perspective on the situation and take responsibility for the abuser’s behavior. For example, if the victim expresses their disappointment with the abuser’s behavior, the abuser may twist it into an accusation that the victim is overly critical, and make the victim feel guilty for expressing their feelings.
3) Playing mind games:
The abuser may make the victim feel as if they are going crazy by playing mind games, such as moving objects around the house or denying something visible. This can make the victim doubt their own perception and reality, and question their own sanity.
4) Isolating the victim:
The abuser may try to isolate the victim from friends and family, making them feel like they have no one to talk to and no one who will believe them. This can make the victim feel isolated and alone, and make it more difficult for them to reach out for help.
5) Making the victim feel guilty:
The abuser may make the victim feel guilty for things they did not do, making them question their actions and decisions. For example, the abuser may blame the victim for their infidelities, or their financial problems, making the victim feel guilty and responsible for things they did not do.
6) Manipulating the victim’s emotions:
The abuser may use the victim’s emotions against them, such as telling the victim that their feelings are wrong or invalid. This can make the victim question their own emotions and can make them feel like they are not entitled to their feelings.
7) Blaming the victim:
The abuser may blame the victim for any problems in the relationship, making the victim feel like they are responsible for the abuser’s bad behavior. This can make the victim feel guilty and can make it difficult for them to assert themselves in the relationship.
8) Projecting their own mistakes:
The abuser may project their own mistakes or issues onto the victim, making the victim feel guilty or responsible for things they did not do. This can make the victim feel like they are at fault for the abuser’s behavior and can make it difficult for them to hold the abuser accountable for their actions.
9) Using threats or intimidation:
The abuser may use threats or intimidation to keep the victim from leaving the relationship or to control the victim’s behavior. This can make the victim feel trapped and powerless and can make it difficult for them to leave the relationship.
10) Using gaslighting as a tool for manipulation:
The abuser may use gaslighting as a tool for manipulation, to make the victim feel dependent on the abuser and to maintain control over the victim. This can make the victim feel like they cannot function or make decisions without the abuser and can make it difficult for them to leave the relationship.
10 Signs that you’re being gaslighted?
By understanding these gaslighting signs, you can gain a better understanding of the dynamics of gaslighting and take the necessary steps to protect yourself from this form of abuse.
Here are the ten most common signs you are being gaslighted in your relationship.
- You question your memories and reality: Gaslighting often involves the abuser denying the facts or twisting the truth, which can make you doubt your memories and perception of events.
- You feel confused and unsure of yourself: Gaslighting can make you feel like you are going crazy, and that you are unable to trust your own thoughts and emotions.
- You second-guess your decisions: Gaslighting can make you doubt your own decision-making abilities, and you may find yourself second-guessing your choices.
- You apologize frequently: Gaslighting can make you feel like you are at fault, even when you know you are not, which can lead to frequent apologies.
- You feel isolated: Gaslighting can make you feel like you are the only one experiencing the abuse, and that no one will believe you.
- You feel anxious or depressed: Gaslighting can have a severe impact on your mental health, leading to feelings of anxiety or depression.
- You become more isolated and withdrawn: Gaslighting can make you feel isolated and alone, and you may find yourself withdrawing from friends, family, and activities you once enjoyed.
- You find yourself constantly making excuses for your partner’s behavior: Gaslighting can make you feel like you need to justify or make excuses for your partner’s behavior.
- You feel like you are walking on eggshells: Gaslighting can make you feel like you are constantly trying to avoid making your partner angry or upset.
- You feel like you are losing your sense of self: Gaslighting can make you doubt your own identity and who you are, and can make you feel like you are losing yourself.
What can I do if I experience gaslighting?
Setting boundaries is an important step in taking control of your own reality and protecting yourself from gaslighting. When you set boundaries, you are communicating what you expect from the relationship, what behaviors are acceptable, and what behaviors are not.
By setting boundaries, you are also taking responsibility for your own well-being, which can be empowering. Here are some examples of ways you can set boundaries in a relationship:
1. Communicate your needs and wants clearly:
Be clear and direct with your partner about what you need and want in the relationship. If you feel that your partner is gaslighting you, let them know that you will not tolerate this behavior and that you expect them to treat you with respect.
2. Prioritize self-care:
Set boundaries around taking care of yourself, such as setting aside time for self-care activities or prioritizing your own needs. This can include setting aside time for hobbies, exercise, or spending time with friends and family.
3. Protect your time and space:
Set boundaries around your time and space, such as not allowing your partner to invade your privacy or control your schedule. For example, you can set boundaries around not allowing your partner to read your texts or emails without your permission.
4. Learn to say “no”:
Learn to say “no” to requests or demands that make you uncomfortable or that you do not agree with. This can be difficult but it’s important to assert yourself and not allow yourself to be pressured into doing something you don’t want to do.
5. Stick to your boundaries:
Once you have set boundaries, it’s important to stick to them. This can be challenging, especially if your partner doesn’t respect them. But if you stick to your boundaries, it will send a clear message that you will not tolerate certain behaviors.
6. Seek support from others:
It can be helpful to talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your boundaries and how to maintain them. They can provide support and help you stay focused on your goal of protecting yourself from gaslighting.
It’s important to remember that setting boundaries can be difficult and it may take time and practice to learn how to do it effectively. It’s also important to be prepared for the possibility that the other person may not respect your boundaries and may try to push back against them.
In such cases, it’s important to remember that your boundaries are for your own well-being and that you have the right to set them. It may be necessary to have a conversation with your partner about your boundaries and to explain why they are important to you.
If your partner continues to disregard your boundaries, it may be necessary to re-evaluate the relationship and consider leaving if it is not healthy for you.